


Please Don't Say You Love Me

by Paintbrushyy_Ducky98



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A lot of cursing, Arguments, It's kinda sad, Iwa-chan why, M/M, Sad, Very Heavy Angst, and crying, iwaoi - Freeform, iwaoi angst, oikawa and Iwaizumi miscommunicate, these dorks can't get their shit together, they struggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 10:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10965453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paintbrushyy_Ducky98/pseuds/Paintbrushyy_Ducky98
Summary: Oikawa struggles to understand Iwaizumi's negligence, and Iwaizumi tries to avoid his feelings for his best friend. In the end, they're a mess trying to sort through a tearful chaos.





	Please Don't Say You Love Me

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” they cheer, and Oikawa smiles on the outside like he doesn’t notice the emptiness he’s created, like he doesn’t feel his absence, Iwa-chan. He blows out the candles and Matsukawa cheers his drink to him, holding Makki close; Oikawa’s mother leans on her hand smiling like he’s twelve again like it’s not his 20th birthday.

“Better late than never,” Yahaba says, and helps cut the small cake. It was a week ago. HIs birthday was a week ago but they didn’t celebrate because no one could get the day off that week so they’re celebrating now and he’s the only one not here, he’s the only one who hasn’t called.

_Iwa-chan?_

The room falls numb to Oikawa’s skin, his ears vibrating with static thought and empty hope that the door will open, that Iwaizumi will come through holding a gift bag and apologizing, that somehow he’ll be here when Oikawa wants him to be when he’s praying he’ll be.

He takes his cake and the night drifts on. It’s a faded green or teal, the cake, like their old team color, it’s faded though, so completely faded. How sad.

_Please don’t be._

There’s music and chatter, and Oikawa pushes out words to empty memories masquerading as people, as faces, but he makes sure to stand in the direction of the door because what if it opens, because what if he arrives. Because what if.

_Please come._

“I’m fine mom, I’m fine, I’m just- just a little tired that’s all-”

“Are you sure?” She steps down from the door, Oikawa’s father holding her by the hand.

“Yeah, yeah- go home, I can clean up, there’s not even that much.” He’s begging for them to leave, his hand grips the doorknob behind its wood shield and he holds his breath between words because at any moment he might start crying. Why’s he such a mess? Why’s it so important? He never showed.

“Bye mom, bye dad,” He waves, and the door closes just a little too hard because Oikawa can’t help but fall into it.

He never showed. Now it’s empty; his house is empty and his thoughts fill the silence with distorted chatter that almost sounds like snuffed out cries; his thoughts all say the same thing.

Oikawa doesn’t move the cans of beer, he doesn’t pick up the plates, he just sits on the couch. He just sits on the couch.  

_Please don’t come._

He picks up his phone and presses 1. He presses 1. There’s a ring and then his voice an-

“Shit Tooru I know I’m late, I’m so sorry, I just, I just got caught up in something, I’m coming over now. Tooru? I’ll be there in a minute okay I’m pulling onto your street.”

Oikawa turns it off. It seems like he sits there on the couch for an hour before he hears him rap at the door, and he counts his steps to the door, the lights still on and Iwaizumi he knows on the other side.

_Go away._

Oikawa opens the door against his better judgment and he sees Iwaizumi’s eyes first.

“I’m-”  
“You’re late.”

“I kn- I- I’m sorry.” He says it like it’s enough like he’s done so many times before because he know’s Oikawa will forgive him. He forgave him before when he stood him up at those study sessions when he said they’d watch movies all Friday night and then he left, he left. He says he’s sorry but he doesn’t try to fix it.

_Why don’t you try to fix it?_

Oikawa steps away from the door, from the entryway and just stops with his back to Iwaizumi. Oikawa opened the door, and he saw Iwaizumi’s eyes first, a faded green, he’s guilty. Then he saw his lips, that color not his own and smeared, across his cheek, and around his neck, and Oikawa wants to throw up.

No one says anything. No one.

“I really am sorry.” Iwaizumi can’t handle the silence, he hates Oikawa’s silence.

“Happy-”

“Don’t!” Oikawa doesn’t try to hold it in anymore, his heart drops to his stomach and he’s almost throwing it up, it’s so heavy, so very heavy inside him.

“Don’t you fucking say that to me.” It’s so small, his voice, whispered through the pain of his breaking parts but Iwaizumi is terrified all the same. He bites the side of his tongue and hopes not to bleed because the taste of regret is already sickening.

“You were supposed to be here. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BE HERE!” Oikawa’s shoulders grow round as he shouts, he hides his tears in their shadows and hopes he doesn’t collapse.

“Tooru-”

“You fucking asshole, you blew off your best friend for a girl.”

“Tooru!”

“SHUT UP! Shut the fuck up! You don’t get to talk. I don’t want to hear your lies.” Oikawa turns towards Iwaizumi. He wipes his face with his palm and stands straight. Iwaizumi stays silent.

“You stood up my birthday so you could hook up. How fucked up are you? HOW IWAIZUMI HOW!” Oikawa screams at the top of his lungs and keeps wiping away at the tears.

He takes a step back when Iwaizumi comes closer when he steps through the doorway and the lamp light from outside is suddenly filled with his figure.

“Tooru-” He tries but Oikawa’s eyes break out from behind his hands and Iwaizumi’s broken by the pain swimming in them. Oikawa’s eyes are no longer angry, they’re pained, pained and disgusted and they hit Iwaizumi like a bullet to his chest.

“I’m sorry-”

“STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT! Stop saying that like I’m going to forgive you! Like it’s okay like they have some goddamn magic fucking power over me cause Iwaizumi, they don’t!”

Iwaizumi takes a step closer. His words are building up inside of him but he can’t make sense of their meaning.

“Just leave.” Oikawa turns towards the stairs. He glances, his eyes so filled with hate, and that’s when Iwaizumi feels the rush of heat in his cheeks, feels the fog of tears fill his eyes and lungs, each breath suddenly clogged in his mouth.

Oikawa shakes his head and starts up the stairs, but Iwaizumi rushes towards him.

“Tooru- I’m sor- I’m- I didn’t mean for it to happen, It just kind of did-” He’s speaking without thinking.

“Oh, it just happened? You just fucking walked into her with your fucking tongue out and OH LOOK now you’re in the back of your car sucking face?”

“Go fuck yourself!” Oikawa almost chokes on the words. He’s never said something so harsh to Iwaizumi, but he keeps walking.

“No- no it’s not like that, I- I- I just- I don’t know I just-” The door to Oikawa’s room slams in Iwaizumi’s face, in his words and his tears. He cries harder, his friend is slipping from him, Tooru is slipping through Iwaizumi’s fingers before he even got to say-

“I JUST COU-LDN’T COME IN HERE!” Iwaizumi’s voice cracks and he coughs. His breath pushes at his heart his lungs not big enough to hold so much air, coming in, going out, it’s too much to speak through and Iwaizumi just want’s to scream.

“Bullshit,” Oikawa whispers from the other side of the door.

“I didn’t mean to do this-”

“EVERY TIME! You fucking bastard, you’ve done this so many times, walked away from me for a damn girl, for a good time, to go fuck! WELL FUCK YOU! It’s al-ways- it’s always them. Why is it never me?” Oikawa bites his tongue, he doesn’t want to cry anymore, he wants the pain to leave. He slides down the door. His chest is so utterly empty he feels his ribs may collapse in on him like his chest is filled with a single inaudible scream that’s ripping apart his flesh the more he holds it in.

“Because they distract me from you!” Iwaizumi can’t scream anymore.

“They distract me from how you make me feel.” Iwaizumi blinks through his tears like they’re rain blurring his thoughts. Oikawa stays silent, but Iwaizumi can hear his breathing on the other side. He slides down the door, almost speaking from under the crack.

_Please don’t say you love me…_

“I hate that I’m in love with you- I hate being in so much pain when I’m around you because I’m too much of a coward to tell you.”

“That’s why-”

Oikawa’s door opens and Iwaizumi looks up at him. He stands and steps down two steps.

“Leave,” Oikawa says, his brow wrought with anger.

“Tooru please-”

“I SAID LEAVE– Get out.” He can’t listen to anymore, and Iwaizumi pleads with his eyes to stay but Oikawa looks away.

“I said get out Iwaizumi.”

Iwaizumi turns down the stairs and Oikawa’s eyes tear at his back, stern and bloodshot.

“And don’t come back.” Oikawa’s last line drives a dagger through Iwaizumi’s heart and his knees become weak at the last step. He can’t breathe. He can’t feel anything.

_Don’t lie._

* * *

Oikawa comes down when the screaming stops. His head three times heavier than before and his heart bled out of everything. He looks out the window.

“Morning.” He whispers. He fumbles for his keys.

“I- I guess- yeah.” His thoughts aren’t clear but he follows them anyway because nothing else is objecting.

The sun hangs low passed the horizon and has only just begun to break the screen of night, the stars and moon burning out. He drives straight, like always, but not. He feels nothing, so much nothing that everything seems to only exist, every muscle every bone exists and nothing else, he’s just glass with no reflection, there’s no purpose, and it feels like nothing.

He drives for an hours before the sun is fully in the sky, and he turns back to his house. He will act normal because he can’t be anything else.

Iwaizumi sits on his roof. He can see Oikawa’s window from there, his light still on. He fucked up. He’s been fucking up since they graduated high school, maybe even before then. He’s pathetic.

They have a class together. And when Iwaizumi sees Oikawa, his words fall short to deaf ears. He only tries once.

Oikawa holds his breath the entire day, every corner he turns thinking Iwaizumi might be there. When he gets home he screams, he breathes out and screams and he can’t help but laugh at how pitiful he is. An idiot. The first night is lonely, and he doesn’t know why. His bed is suddenly too big for him though he’s only ever slept in it alone. His body’s suddenly too hollow to even take up space. He cries that night, and Iwaizumi calls, Oikawa doesn’t pick up.

_I’m sorry._

* * *

_Time is longer with a broken heart._

Oikawa hasn’t spoken in five days. Iwaizumi’s calls go to voicemail, his looks only hit a wall, and Iwaizumi can’t find him in his eyes.

Then, he’s there, walking from the parking lot.

“Tooru!” Iwaizumi tries. He jogs down the hill when Oikawa turns then stops when he turns back.

“Go away.” It’s two words that Oikawa knew he shouldn’t have said.

“Not until we talk.” Iwaizumi says, and Oikawa’s lips seal.

They walk through the afternoon with only Iwaizumi’s words in the air. Oikawa watches his feets and doesn’t look up.

“Tooru- I want you to say something.” Iwaizumi tries at the front door, feeling the distance between them.

“What?!” Oikawa finally answers.

“What do you want me to say Iwaizumi?!”

“Anything! Just talk to me-” Iwaizumi slips through with Oikawa dropping his bag at the front door as Oikawa head straight for upstairs.

“I have nothing to say.” Oikawa’s trying not to shout. He doesn’t want to shout.

“I don’t believe that.” Iwaizumi follows him upstairs.

“Well, it’s the truth.”

“Bullshit! I know you’re hurting.” Iwaizumi says it but doesn’t mean exactly that.

“Of course I’m fucking hurting Iwaizumi. You’re my fucking best friend and you fucking chose a random ass girl over my fucking birthday.”

Oikawa tries to close his bedroom door but Iwaizumi sticks his arm in the frame and Oikawa stops.

“Iwa-”

“No.”

“WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY! THAT IT’S OKAY? CAUSE IT’S FUCKING NOT!”  Oikawa is choking again. He swings the door open and walks away letting Iwaizumi step in.

“You fucking stood me up on my birthday, not even my party Iwa-chan! My actual birthday two weeks ago AND YOU DIDN’T CALL, you didn’t show up, you didn’t even fucking text.” Oikawa throws a pillow and Iwaizumi dodges.

“You left me! Alone and crying! You left me in the dark like a child!” Oikawa grabs another pillow off his bed and starts hitting Iwaizumi with it.

“You. left. Me. YOU FUCKING LEFT ME.”

Iwaizumi holds up his hands as a shield.

“I know and I’m sorry!” He tries to shout but it doesn’t make it better.   
“FUCKING SORRY? You’re my best fucking friend, you’re supposed to be there with me when I’m upset and need a Friday movie night. When I’m stressing over classes and need help studying!” Oikawa lets his arms fall limp for a minute, catching his breath in the silence. When Iwaizumi lowers his arms Oikawa hits him with the pillow again. The tears come fast, washing over Oikawa’s cheeks and soaking into his lips. He swings the pillow loosely and Iwaizumi tries to catch it.

“Tooru stop-”

“No!” Oikawa hits harder and Iwaizumi pushes the pillow away backing him against the wall.

“No-” He says again and it comes out like a whimper. Iwaizumi catches the pillow and pulls it out of his hand letting it drop to the floor.   
“You fucking asshole- you-” Oikawa's hands slap on Iwaizumi’s chest. He bites his bottom lip as it trembles his face soaked in a pain he can’t describe.

“I know- I know-” Iwaizumi places his hands on Oikawa’s waist.

“Tooru-” Iwaizumi starts and Oikawa shakes his head. He knows what he’s going to say and he can’t take this pressure in his chest.

“No- No!” Oikawa pushes on Iwaizumi’s shoulder.

“Yes! I have to Tooru! I’m sorry, I’ve hurt you and I’m dying for it. But I’m not going to let you go that easily.” Iwaizumi holds Oikawa’s wrists.

“Sto-oo-op!” Oikawa cries and Iwaizumi shakes his head.

“NO! Tooru I’m in love with you.”

“No!” Oikawa cries.

“I love you!” Iwaizumi shakes Oikawa’s wrists and Oikawa squeezes his eyes shut. Iwaizumi hold back his tears, trying not to break.

“No-”

“And I don’t know if I can get passed that! But I’ll try Tooru I’ll try-”

“NO Iwaizumi no!” Oikawa knows where’s his words are going and he can’t get to them fast enough drawing out Oikawa’s pain.

“Just say you don’t want me here! Say you don’t love me and I’ll leave. I’ll leave forever and our friendship will be- our friendship will be- over.” Iwaizumi’s tears fall slowly down his cheeks and he’s stopped moving.

Oikawa squirms shaking his head, his lips trembling and his screams still caught in his throat.

“Tell me you don’t love me!”

“I can’t” Oikawa whispers.

“TELL ME”

“I can’t-”

“YOU DON’T LOVE ME! TELL ME! and I’ll leave.”

“I CAN’T!” Oikawa shouts and Iwaizumi stops.

“I can’t.” Oikawa hits his fist against Iwaizumi’s shoulder one last time then clutches Iwaizumi’s shirt in his hand. His eyes are flowing over with tears.

“Because I’m in love with you too-” All the air expands in Oikawa’s lungs.

“I’m in love with you too-oo” Oikawa holds tighter to Iwaizumi’s shirt pulling it towards him, wrapping his arms around Iwaizumi’s neck and bumping noses as they press into each other.

Iwaizumi stumbles forward into Oikawa and fits his lips between Oikawa’s salt soaked ones.

“I love you-” Oikawa keeps whispering between kisses and Iwaizumi nods, smiling through the kiss and his tears leaking into them.

_Please don’t say you love me… because I’ll always say it back._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> Comments appreciated!!!!!
> 
> TUMBLR: http://paintbrushyy.tumblr.com/


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